Destroy Something Beautiful

As if life couldn't get any more worse, Phil did have such a spectacular interview this morning. At first, I gave up, then I busted out my laptop and helped him fill an application out online. I swear, online applications are completely irrelevant. I wonder if they're even seen. I've never gotten a job or an interview by filling out an app online, but you know, we're still trying. It's so frustrating, but whatever. Working for the older company isn't working out very good. I keep fucking up, so I've pretty much given up on that opportunity. I mean, maybe sometime in the future when I don't feel mentally fragile because to work there, you have to be mentally prepared for anything to happen. It's a stressful environment. I fucked up majorly this weekend by not delivering a package to a client in La Quinta (I was given the package on Thursday and had until Sunday afternoon to get it there). This past weekend was so much fun! It was the Fourth of July, so we barbecued and drank and had good times. The last thing on my mind was work, so I get the angry call on Sunday around 3:20. I had the package where it needed to be within an hour and the client couldn't wait. I had to call and apologize to him after speaking to a very angry boss around 8. She was so angry, she didn't tell me when to come in, so you know what? I just assume that it's over. I completed my last task yesterday. I hate to say it, but oh well.

So... T is supposedly moving out today, yet he told J that he was moving Thursday, maybe Friday. Thank God the roommate drama is over. I've gotten over hating J and realized we all have to live in a happy environment and I can't ruin it just because I have a reason to be a bitch, which I rarely do. You see, normally (very often) everything is my fault. I may seem a bit emo, but it's the truth. The reason my Mom won't talk to me, my fault. The reason I did so horribly in school this past semester, my fault. My life being so shitty and really living in poverty... my fault. I choose this life. I was on the phone earlier with my Dad and he said to me, "You're living your life, keep me posted." It made me think to myself, 'is he finally accepting that I'm an adult and I'm trying to live my life accordingly?' Who knows? Something will happen in a few weeks that will make me think twice about that. Life. I don't know where it's going.

( Survey because I'm bored... )

Phil has an interview on Tuesday. I made a lot of money last week. The rent is paid, which is a load off of my mind. I'm learning to be more humble with my life and just let things go. There is so much to do around here. I really need to clean out my car. Our day of Independence went swimmingly. Grandma was in Seattle, on her way to a cruise ship with my Auntie Esther, my Dad and his wife were in San Diego at their house, so I had the valley to myself. Phil and I bought a mini grill and barbecued up some chicken and steak and Texas toast. It was so freaking good. The fireworks were spectacular. Last year, I didn't really have any interest seeing the fireworks and I can't really explain why. I honestly think that Phil has a made a big difference in my interests of things. I get excited for holidays because he wants to celebrate them too!

Something today made me realize that I need to stop being such a scumbag and the little things are really helping me. Apparently, I was two months behind on my storage unit and when I got to the actual unit, there was a red lock on it. Apparently... I wasn't supposed to be on the premises. I ended up owing them close to $300, but whatever. It was worth it. We have to move all that crap out of there by the end of the month, so we don't have to pay them again. It's really sucking up our funds and I guess we're going to be here a while.

So... let me tell you about my last Sunday. I went out to dinner with my Grandma. I honestly can say, I had the best time. Phil is very picky when it comes to eating and my problem, I love anything and everything. Grandma and I went to LeBasil, this really awesome Thai restaurant. I for one love Thai food so it was a real treat. Plus, things were tense in the house so it was nice to get away for a while. It makes being with him all that better. So we go out to eat and we're there for like two hours. I drive her home. I go get gas, drive home and come to find out Phil had gotten in a fight with T... a <i>real</i> fight. A physical one. T, sadly, lost, but it made things even more tense in the house. T is moving out. No offense, but thank God. Turns out he was a liar. J and T are both liars, but I believe J over him. Phil has gotten to know J over the past couple of weeks (since we 'kicked him out') and I trust Phil's opinion. Anyway, we both decided to be here for the summer, hopefully save some money, and move out eventually. I would love to move into an apartment or a condo. Just a little one bedroom/one bathroom thing. Oh well. Only time will tell.

This weekend has been a blast. I feel like the boss is out of town. I've been doing some work for my older company and she went out of town. I still did some things, but I know I've sort of rekindled that relationship lately doing such good, hard work. I've been having a lot of anxiety problems though, but I believe that it attributed to not having any money. That department is ok for now, but who knows when I'll feel this good again?  The computer finally gave out on us last night, so all hungover. I called a computer 'doctor' who charged me $100 to download a free program and download a vista service pack. I did, however, have to go on a wild goose chase for my WOW game disc. Every time WOW opened the computer would tell me WOW was requested too much space, but that's bullshit. So that's all fixed and Phil's plan is back in motion. He plans to build a WOW army where he'll have everything he'll need and all the gold and it's just fun to play and have kind of a motive. Everyone has different jobs and does different things and it's such an exciting game. I'm tired.

Things have been... off the wall. Constant ups and downs. I thought about making a new name, but I don't want to. Too much pressure I guess. I don't know. So... my life has completed changed and sadly, some of it is for the worse. I'm still living in the Dirty D, going to community college. I messed up so bad this past semester that I have to stay at COD. I haven't even told me stepmother about this and she is going to be very disappointed. I told my Grandmother and I just wanted to die right there in the car. But, I still want to at least get my AA and then possibly take some real estate classes to become a broker. I was talking about that with my Dad earlier. Talking to him over the phone has become a little more relaxing, little by little, however, talking to his wife still makes me nervous. I still would like to get a degree in Political Science, but that may have to wait. I blame myself for my major fuck up this semester. I fucked up so bad that I think school won't be paid for anymore. My birthday wish is for a second chance to show that I can do well in school and I just wasn't happy. That's no excuse and frankly, I don't know if I'll get a second chance. It's been a whole year of school that I've fucked up, except intersession. I did the best I ever could and I figured I love having class everyday for a month. It was condensed and I enjoyed it. I was ready for the next semester, but I failed. I failed two classes and got a two C's and two D's. That is, by far, the worse I have ever done and it's so sad because this was suppose the semester that put me in the upper division classes, dammit.

I don't live with Grandma anymore. In fact, I don't live with family. I did it... again, I guess. I'm actually living on my own, with my boyfriend of course. I still believe that Grandma didn't want me there in the first place because of my weird schedule and never coming home at a decent hour. Anyway, I live in Palm Desert in a three bedroom house with $1200 rent that is due on the first of every month. I live with a couple (J&K) and another roommate (T). Long story short, Phil and I owe a percentage of that and when we give it to the guy we found on craigslist to rent from (J), he'd been spending it on booze and other necessities that weren't rightfully his to buy. The other roommate, T, knew what was going on the whole time and didn't really bother to tell us until we were about to get evicted. There were many gunslinger moments, especially when we tried to kick him out of his own house. The landlord got involved with this crazy lady that came to the house once and it was just strange. Too much drama. To be perfectly honest, I don't trust, nor do I like, any of the roommates. They're all liars and thieves and it just sucks that we have literally no where else to go. I have to smile and pretend that everything is peachy keen, when in fact, I want to stab everyone in the neck with a dirty fork from the kitchen. T basically takes over the living room because J&K have the master bedroom (which is freaking huge) and Phil and I have are own little dojo in the back corner bedroom. So T 'lives' in the living room, however he has his own room that is reserved for sleeping. Anyway, that kitchen is fucking disgusting and you know why? Because T is a slob... and he thinks it's funny. We tell him about it and he just laughs it off when really, nobody wants to live in his filthy mess. You can clearly see the differences between who lives where and what belongs to who. I always remember wishing my life could be like Amber's because she seemed so happy in her one bedroom with her boyfriend. It's kind of a pain in the ass and I really didn't know what she was going through.

I've been having a lot of emotional problems. Little things have been setting me off to the point where I've actually hit myself, quite a few times. It's unhealthy and I have too much stress. Money problems. Money is the root of all evil and you know what? I wish I could win the lottery. It's scary and I hate going through these episodes because I take it out on Phil which is wrong. Things are always tough in my world (because I make them like that) but I remember things kind of going down hill one night when my 'best friend' Desiree came over to my house for the first time in a long time and, of course, she brought Ashley, the new best friend. I went to high school with Ashley and I don't have a problem with her. The only reason Desiree came to my house was because she had seen my roommates T and J pushing their car in the 115 degree weather. She and I hadn't really spoken and then all of a sudden she says she's coming over. She comes over and we all talk, catch up a bit. He life had definitely changed, as well as mine, but she didn't really care to hear about my life. We sat there and talked about she and Ashley and been drinking a lot and hanging out with her crew. Now, I know her crew because I used to be in Ashley's position. It just really hurt when Desiree made a comment about getting out of this desert and taking Ashley with her because I mean, that used to be me. She and I would spend hours talking about where we would go and what we would do with our lives. It just really hurt my feelings and I wanted to ask her if she remembers when we used to be friends. The best of friends. She was such a bad influence! HA! We would get the funniest situations and have such good times. Anyway, the cherry on this delicious sundae of a visit was when she told me she was leaving my room to go upstairs and talk to J. Now, certainly she knows about my beef with J and how I can't fucking stand J to this day, but she goes up to say hi anyway. I assumed we weren't friends anymore after that. This little get together with fate telling she and I that we had gone our separate ways. I wanted the coupled life, while she wanted the single life, as does Ashley. I would just assume that when a friend hates someone, you, being a good friend that you are, should automatically hate that person too. I don't know that's how I remember friendships working when Ana and I were friends, but whatever. It just really hurt to lose her because, besides Phil, I don't really have someone I can talk to. I don't have that best friend to run to or go hang out with. I'm so done with best friends though. They come and go and I'm sick of it. I just wish I had a stable amount of friends that just hung around. Oh well. I have to keep my hatred for roommates to myself. We had to sit in 113 degree weather with no electricity because J was too fucking chicken shit to tell anyone that our power was going to be shut off because no one bothered to make a minimum payment on our $480 electric bill from last month. I just... really hate J.

My Mother won't speak to me anymore. This life of sin that I'm leading had just gotten to her. I called her on Mother's Day and she had my Grandma answer the phone which I wasn't too happy about because she made me feel just as bad for living with Phil. I understand that it's sacrilegious to have sex before marriage and I don't mean to sound like a slut, but I fucked that up a long time ago. Besides, I love Phil. He's my everything. Yes, there are sometimes where I fucking hate him and I wish he would leave me alone, but more often I love him. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't love me as much as I love him and I know that's fucked up to say so an apology is in order. He's a good person and someone was trying to ruin. Jealous girls that he left up North tried to ruin it by sending me horrible myspace messages accusing him of having threesomes and whatnot. It sucked. I'm still thinking about deleting my myspace, but I don't know. Maybe just alter it a bit. My Dad almost didn't speak to me, but he decided to stay in my life instead of just bailing. It seems as though he's a lot more mature. I'm not living with my boyfriend to piss everyone off. It's convenient for me right now and I love being with him. I'm trying to start my life: not living at home, not relying on family for money and shelter and food. The big step is being taken.

Thirty days until I'm 21. This is a big birthday for me. Lots of changes. I want to make lots of changes about myself. I don't want to be flaky anymore, I want to be on time and be a do-gooder. I want to do better in school because I know that if I set my mind to anything, I can achieve it. No big plans or anything. I definitely want to go to a bar and order a drink. Desiree asked me what I was doing for my 21st just to 'pretend' like she cared. I'm not like her. We're similar, but not so much. I'm not going to throw a huge party like she did. I'm not into that scene. I never have been. Surprises on my birthday would be nice, but I don't want a huge party. Anyway, so that's my life up to this point. I'm still kind of fucking up, meaning, I didn't go to my yoga class this morning because last night I found out that it was three hours in the morning and I'm just not into that. This kind of attitude that I have is the reason why my Dad probably won't pay for school next semester. I'm going to try my hardest to keep track of everything. We've got wireless internet now. Woo hoo!

No update in a while because I'm waiting for something good to say. All I have is bad things to say. Everything is so negative right now. I really fucked up in school this semester. It's my fault. I was under so much pressure and I took too many classes in the beginning. Now, I'm paying for it... maybe even literally. I just turned in a blank final. I just feel really stupid. I thought I was doing really good in at least one class, but I'm not. It's because I never went. I don't know what I'm going to tell my Dad and stepmom. I can't even think about it.

Scarcity. There's a bit of scarcity in everything nowadays: food, cigarettes, other things. Money. I need it. Bad. I guess I could work a little for my Dad tonight but it's such a pain in the ass. The website doesn't really upload pictures as well as it use to. I need to upload 6 and it only uploads 1. It takes forever. I feel like nothing works out for me anymore. I made a huge mistake with money and now I have none. I have twenty-two dollars to last me until Monday. How sad. I don't even feel like doing this anymore. I'm so depressed lately. I wish I could have some Teriyaki beef with some white rice and a raspberry iced tea. I hate this not having money thing. I'm not getting used to it either. Like I said, I feel stupid. I feel like I can't do anything. I really dropped the ball with school. Nobody shows me sympathy when I really need it (which is now) because I used it all up earlier. My whole family hates me. They hate that I've moved in with him. I wish that they would just accept the fact that I'm growing up. They don't like my situation and instead of just accepting it and helping me, they talk amongst themselves and make me feel bad about trying to live out on my own. I don't know. Life is so fucked up right now. I wasted a whole fucking semester on what? I have nothing to show for it. I partied too much. Plain and simple. I could go on with how much pressure there was (and believe there was a lot of pressure), but partying it up every weekend and sometimes during weekdays didn't really helped. I didn't go to some classes for like a month and a half. I really took advantage of the help I received (payment) for this semester and who knows if I'll be going to CSUSB next semester. I really don't want to. I really just want to give up with school altogether. I just hate life at the moment.

Still alive. Things are crazy.

Wow, ok, so... the last couple of days have been crazzzzzy! Phil has permanently moved down here, meaning he's found a room to rent AND he's still searching for a job, but it's looking good. I may move out of Grandma's because I fucked up and didn't call to tell her I wasn't coming home for a few days. She's already implied that she kind of wants me to leave. She asked me earlier when I'm moving out and it's like, "oh. Ok." I told her I would move out whenever she wanted me to and of course, she says I know when that is, meaning when the school semester is over. I really feel... like moving out right now. Telling her, peace easy and just getting out. She hates me. I burned our bridge. I can't let her hating me because I fucked up that get me down. Anyway, I'm so excited. I'm taking the PS2 over to his house and yeah. things are looking up, knock on wood.

I'm freaking out! He's coming! Like... in a few hours... I need sleep! I need to blow dry my hair too. Getting lost trying to find Roscoe's Chicken and waffles in Inglewood, getting the car keys stuck in the passenger door locked.. in Inglewood, waiting 3 hours for a Spanish-speaking Locksmith to fix it and being incredibly stoned the whole way through was totally worth it, however, I'm so tired! But how can I sleep? He's coming here! To see me! Woo! Things to do... Oh boy.

Ugh! It's so hot. I hate this desert. The heat hasn't even begun. Our summers are brutal. I've almost finished a statistical project that I'm glad is over with. I got a check yesterday! Woo! Doing some laundry, trying not to feel as helpless as I have been. Hopefully I get my tax return soon. EDD better not get in the way or so help me God, I will KIIIILLLLLLL them. So bored. I missed class today. I suck, oh well. I'm trying not to let it bother me.

I have this itch you see? It's an itch that I can't scratch and it's killing me. I really hate being out of control and I have been for a couple of weeks now. I may have really fucked myself over in school and I sometimes ask myself just what the hell do I think I'm doing? Theater is too hard to get into (not practical and too much competition) so it's like... what do I want to do with my life? But the itch that I speak of is Phil. He's coming out here in like two days and I just miss him so much. Rock of Love makes me sick because for some strange reason it reminds me of Phil. It's the way I see Bret Michaels kiss all of these girls. It's like... Phil kisses like that and I miss him so much, I could just cry.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. This whole college thing, it sucks. I don't have a job and finding a job isn't going to be easy. It's either stay here or move to Northern California. That's what I really want to do. Move up to Nor Cal, go to Sonoma State University and just start over. Start at a new school, get a job and maintain a reputation for myself, start a new life and I wish my family would see it like that instead of thinking that I'm going up there just to be with Phil. It's nice he's there and I admit that I never would have thought of Sonoma State if I hadn't met Phil, but it's such a perfect opportunity. It's what my Dad wants... kind of. He wants to send me to a dormitory somewhere, but I don't think he's comfortable sending me all the way to Sonoma. I just feel overwhelmed and on the brink of depression. Things of my interest aren't fun anymore and I just feel like I'm on auto-pilot. It's this Phil thing. It's driving me crazy and I can't stop thinking about it. I've made myself sick.

Drama. I told myself that I don't like drama and it keeps finding me. I wish every day was Friday. I'm just so sick of bitching...

This Dramatic Arts Company, man. It's all just so upsetting. this band show that we've been advertising might not even happen. The facility we are using suddenly decided to charge us 25% of an estimated amount that we said we would probably make. So we need $1250 of the club's money, but the club is so unmotivated and negative about this whole event that it's not going to happen. They don't think that many people are going to show up. I personally don't want to cancel the show. It will let down all of those people that are planning on coming. I mean, what the fuck?! Des and I are doing so much PR for this thing; a few things fall through the cracks and the club gets nervous because it doesn't believe in itself. Our President is biggest douche bag, I'm sorry. I will get to that later. The possibility of the band show not going on is based on votes from everyone in the club, including those who haven't been attending, which isn't fair because of people like Delane and Marty who haven't been to any meetings in the past 5 weeks. It's bullshit. They don't even know what's going on with this thing and suddenly they get to vote. I know they voted to not let it go through. I just don't understand why people aren't as positive about all of this as Des and I. We've both equally grown to the point of emotional exhaustion. I personally just don't give a fuck. This club can't see the hard work that goes into something like this, then fuck them. This Ashland trip is bullshit and frankly, I'm not too excited about it anymore. I've given some thought to resigning from the club as a member and an officer.

I'm becoming an emotional train wreck. I can't seem to control my emotions lately. This kid in my dramatic literature who will remain nameless, thought it would be so cute to sit in the tables the entire class. We were watching a video and he sat right in front of me. Pleading, please, in a polite manner, asking for him to move and he won't budge. The teacher didn't even step in and ask him to take a seat. I literally left the class momentarily to smoke a cigarette and key his car. I frantically searched the parking lot for his piece of shit Mazda, but couldn't find it and I think maybe it was a good thing because I would have smashed in the windows, wrote "asshole" somewhere in scratches on the hood or the sides. I would have destroyed his car if I found it. Later on, I found it but my anger had subsided and all I was concerned about was getting something in my stomach. Life is just so gay right now. I have to manage my time better. I need my boyfriend. Seeing him helps me keep my sanity and be the person that I want to be. I really just wanted to stab the kid in the back with my pen. I couldn't even focus on the video we were forced to watch. It scared me that I left with such determination to fuck this kid's shit up, but whatever. I hope he chokes and dies. Fuck him. Fuck him and his stupid club. See if anything fucking gets done without Desiree and myself. Just wait and fucking see. Bitch ass nigga.

I'm just so angry with my life right now. I haven't been focusing on school as much as I should and I really need to get my head in the game and stop being a typical stupid stoner. It hurts to hear someone talking shit about you being too lazy. I'm just going through a lot of new experiences and it's really tough for me with no job and no time for a job. This summer is going to be crazy. A lot of people have been asking why I don't just leave the desert and I simply say, "this is my hometown." My Dad finally convinced me that if I move out, I'll experience life on my own, fend for myself and rely solely on myself. I only applied to three colleges: Sonoma State, Call State Fullerton and Cal State San Bernardino. I know for a fact that I won't be going to Fullerton because I refuse to take another class on Friday nights/Saturdays morning. It's too much school. I can't barely handle all of this crap I'm doing. So it's either here or Sonoma. Sonoma sounds so good right now. A fresh new start in a whole new city, a whole new life. I'm agreeing with people though; getting out of this desert will be the smartest thing for me. Of course, I'll get the backlash of, " No you can't do that." because technically, it's not my choice, it's my step mom's because she's paying for college, which I really just want to say "fuck it" to as well because it's such a tormenting thing. I've given her three schools that I really, really wanted to go to and she turned them all down. I guess I can't go to a private school because her daughter did. So what's the point of calling her Ohana? How dare my Dad say that she is family because, yes, she has helped me out because she's married to my Dad, but this is my college education that I fucked up in the past, but I don't want to do that again. It just isn't fair that my Dad told me that I could go anywhere, but as long as I'm going it's paid for. She (the step mom) tells me that I have two years to finish school and she has put limitations on where I can and cannot go to school. Chapman isn't that big of a deal, but I guess to her, it is. It's a big no, which sucks because I really got my hopes up just to be let down... again.

So I'm basically giving up on a lot of things lately. So much negativity in this desert it drives me crazy. My Mom and I can't seem to get along anymore. She accuses me of putting my friends before her because I didn't stop by Saturday night. She says not to talk to her until I understand that I was wrong. "... until you can see right!" is what she says. So whatever. I can't seem to be happy anymore. I feel like I'm losing my personality being around people so much. I shouldn't be out as late as I have been. I can tell that Beau really doesn't like my presence, so I think I wore out my welcome. Life is just so weird right now. I wish I could disappear.

Gosh, I'm sick of not knowing what will happen when the semester is over. Who knows if I'll pass all of my classes? I may move up North, I may stay down here.

I hate that I have school all this week and next week and the week after that. It's so gay. This rock concert is sucking the life out of me. I had a mini breakdown last week about it. I hate that I wait until the last minute to do my homework. I hang out with friends too much. I need my 'me' time at decent hours. I'm just afraid to be alone that's all. Phil is coming out here in two week I believe. I'm so excited! My father made a comment about long distance relationships that really hurt my feelings and it's something I have a hard time with, but I stick it out. I know Phil isn't cheating on me. He just sounds so sincere when we talk to each other and I really love with my heart. I'm willing to let my guard down and trust him. When he lived with me before, I didn't think that. I hated that shitty apartment and I hated having to leave to go to work while he slept in and stayed home all day. And when I lost my job, that was shitty too. My life has been this black hole since October of last year.

I had dinner with my Dad and stepmom. It turned out nice, but once we picked up the Stepmom's mother, things went downhill for me. I couldn't be myself. We were talking about college prior to picking her up and once she got in the car, she couldn't stop raving about her granddaughter. Her granddaughter is a nice girl and I have nothing against her, but I hate being compared to her. She has all of this opportunity that she goes to find; it's not handed to her, like me. She's moved away from her home to live in San Diego and she's surviving, going to school applying for scholarships and what not and is going to Argentina to learn Spanish. It's like... come on. I've spent three years of my life in community college and still don't know what to do with my life. I look like such a fuck up compared to her and you know? maybe I am. I told myself I would go to every this week and I'm really going to try. No more fucking around. I should get to sleep. Life just keeps getting more and more dramatic.

Yesterday was so good. Our one acts went lovely, aside from me leaving my favorite water bottle at my old high school [pain in my assholes]. We broke even tonight because Sam's Club wouldn't take my Visa card, so we didn't buy concessions, meaning we used what we had leftover from last weekend and now all the money we make is pure profit. Go us. We still have to buy some concessions tomorrow though. I have to be at her house at 11am. I'm so tired. Today was a busy day and I almost gave up but had a sudden shock of motivation and Des and I got things handled! Anyway, I'm off to bed.

I'm still awake. I can't sleep. I'm at Desiree's. On her couch. I'm so not prepared for tomorrow. I'm performing a One Act at my old high school. SO many memories. So many good times/bad times on that damn high school theater stage. I got my brakes fixed tonight. Thank God for my Mother. She really helped me out on this one. I literally have no money and no time to call the Unemployment office. After we got my brakes done, Des and I passed out flyers in downtown Palm Springs. It was a pretty 'happening' scene. Before the One Acts tomorrow, I have to get the minutes from yesterday's meeting with our President's signature on them so I can have a check for the concessions that Des and I are selling at Pete 'n' Keely this weekend [around 9am]. Then after the One Acts, Des and I have to go buy the concessions and be at the college promptly around 6:30pm. I've been doing so much CODDAC stuff, I've really neglected my school work and I've told myself, no more fucking around. I need to focus and do well in my classes so I can get my degree and do something with my directness and my seasoned leadership skills. I love being in this club and doing things, having deadlines, talking to people. I'm so proud of myself: I called a local radio station and told them how much I liked their new stuff [they switched from independent alternative to classic rock, fuck yeah!], and then mentioned our show and how we would love to have them sponsor our show. So the guy to email him a transcript of a 30 second commercial. That's also something we have to do. I need a better planner. My planner just upsets me. I need a monthly view with ample space to write things. It's so pocket sized and I'm not a pocket sized person. I'm so exhausted. I should at least try to get some sleep. I miss my boyfriend. I hope he sends me a check so I can get a Greyhound ticket. ugh! I need him. I miss him so much! My mind is rambling on and on. I need a planner man. Something to keep me a little sane. Des' planner is perfect. I have to ask her where she got hers and maybe put together some money. I need to get working again on my Dad's website. I'm just gay and assumed that 11 listings is fine for a couple of days and it isn't. They're expecting so much more. I should get some work right now, while I'm still awake.

Still alive, unfortunately. Life is so stressful. From CODDAC to school to bills, it's becoming a nightmare. I'm hurting for money so bad right now. It's awful. I hate being this broke and I have a food addiction. I need to start bringing things with me instead of eating fast food. Life requires money and money is the root of all evil... therefore life is evil.

I don't mean to be so pessimistic. Things are just getting to me lately. Normally, I'm really paranoid about my hands starting to shake, but today it was so noticeable. It's because I didn't smoke until around 5 or so and I don't know. Des and I got a lot done for this band show. It almost didn't happened earlier. Our contact at the YMCA told us that we hadn't gotten back to her in a timely manner, so she gave the night away [ahem, bullshit]. Suddenly, it opened back up and now we have to cough up a deposit, which we're estimating about $500-600, which is gay. Now we have to focus on other things and we can't seem to rely on people in the club to help.

I still need brakes. I still need to pay for my storage unit. I still need to pay for my speeding ticket. I still haven't a check from unemployment. I got one of those fill-out things. I have no time to call unemployment. Tomorrow, my schedule is packed. I have to memorize lines for a one act that goes up on Friday. Ugh! I just need sleep. Oh and I'm not going to Anthropology tomorrow either. I'm just going to give the rest of this semester a shot and see how well I do. My pledge is to go to all of my classes for the rest of the semester and I can do it if I set my mind to it.

Wow. So this was one of the more emotional days of my life. From the stress of shopping for concessions (the ups and downs of finding good deals and being organized), to the stress of getting all of the cheesecake slices wrapped on plate individual, to the stress of getting those wrapped plates to the theater without squishing them, to the stress and worry of squishing, to the cherry of stress and emotion ruin when my Mother decided to show up. She was drowsy from her nightly medication and in my opinion, she shouldn't have been in public. She told me she loved me and that she cared for me and we all have to accept the weird things that we go through. I think her having to go to psychiatrists and such is my fault and I know, as a child from a broken home, I shouldn't feel like it's my fault, but I think it is. I don't spend enough time with her. I don't spend enough time with my Grandma either. I don't spend as much time as I should with her and it makes me sad to think of the times I did spend with her. I love her so much and I rarely show it. She's such an amazing person and the stress of life gets the best of all of us sometimes. It broke me down to see her in that condition and I felt so bad when I turned away her help. She was distant all of a sudden. I didn't want her to get the impression that I didn't want to be with her and I just didn't think it was a good idea for her to be helping me and honestly, I didn't want Desiree to see her like that. I didn't' want anyone to see her like and I'm not being selfish, it just hurts to see your Mother on medication that does that to her. I admit though, I miss her. I miss just hanging out with her and I always tend to be a different person when I'm around her. I'm not myself anymore. She's the most accepting person and she would be the one to turn my emotion trips with, not Grandma. I love my Mom and trust her with all of my heart. She is one of the most important things in my life and I wish there was some way I could make all of this lost time up for her.

On a separate hand, it isn't fair that I have to go through this with the phase that I'm in during my life. At the stage, typically, parents are pushing their children away... like my Dad is and for instance, like Desiree's mom is. Her mom and my Dad are very similar. I shouldn't have to feel guilty about not spending time with her, even though I know I should. Tonight was just too much. It made me evaluate my life a bit and I'm aching for a change. A change to start over again and just be a civilized person. But I can't say it enough, I love my Mom, no matter what. I admit, I was a douche for not insisting it upon myself to visit her when she said she had to make an emergency trip to see the psychiatrist, however, she didn't return my phone calls and at that moment in time, there was tension between us. So this random call freaks me out a bit. I selfishly thought this was a cry for attention and it was, but in a desperation for her only daughter way. I wish I didn't have to do concessions so I could spend time with her. I feel like such a shitty daughter. This is the way I make my Dad feel and it isn't nice. I told my Dad recently, to just "forget about me" and move on. He told me I was being dramatic, which I was, but he and I, we just don't mesh sometimes. It's frustrating. My Mom and I clash together sometimes and to see her tonight, really opened my eyes. I have a very dysfunctional family and it seems to be my fault. Because I'm too over dramatic.

I don't appreciate the fact that right before I left with all the concessions crap in my car, my Grandma decided to ask me why I'm not going away for college. It's a natural thing, I agree, but it's not my choice. I don't want to move away for that. I have a life planned down here. I think I want to become a social worker and get a degree in Political Science. It was just so frustrating to get all those damn cheesecakes in the car, trying my hardest not to squish any of them (which I ended up squishing like five dammit), and she wants to talk about college. I admit, we live in the same household and hadn't seen each other for days, but I mean come on. Not much happens in my life over the course of 4 to 5 days. Just same ol' school business, learning too much and stupidly missing classes.

Through all of this emotion trauma today, it made me realize how important Phil factors into my life. Today was the first time that I've felt like I really needed him. I needed someone to hold onto me and tell me everything was going to be okay. Sadly, Desiree took his spot and I hate appearing so weak in front of friends like that, but I realized how much I love him. I needed him so badly today and I can't stand him not being at my side. There's just so many requirement for him to move down here. We both have to have money saved for an apartment. He has to find a job pronto. I just couldn't believe it. I've never thought of turning to someone for some emotional support because normally it's my Mom who normally is my emotional support. I didn't turn to my Dad or my Grandma, I needed Phil. I had a yearning for Phil. I felt so helpless.

I felt so out of sync today, I didn't like it. I had about three breakdowns in both stores I shopped at. I kept telling myself, "I didn't agree to this. I just wanted to sell them. Screw having to go buy and prep everything". It just made me realize how lazy I can be and more importantly, it showed me that it takes a lot of work and this is real life. Things can't be handed on golden platters anymore. I'm fortunate to have a Dad that is extremely generous and I needed to watch that bridge. It can't keep collapsing. Just like the bridge between my Mom and I. She told me that she really liked how I was calling her more often, which is a good thing because I've been thinking of doing that more often. I have to get to sleep. More concession selling and other stuff.

My night got better. Kind of. I went to Desiree's. I have to keep reminding myself that I have a lot of growing up to do. My Grandma is leaving for Hawaii and this is my chance to show myself that I can be that person that I want to be. I got a lot of partying done during Spring Break and now... that's over. It went by too quickly, but we all knew this was coming. I need to consider this my last night of staying up ridiculously late and just practice better sleeping habits.

Eh, I have so much to prepare for tomorrow. Tomorrow is weighing really heavy on my heart. I'm going to my follow-up doctor's appointment and I think they're giving me my test results. I hope I don't have cancer. I really don't. I know I said things in the past that I didn't mean and that was so hypocritical of me, but I just pray that this will nightmare will all go away. I wish I had some money. Some money to do stuff with. I wish my unemployment was turned back on. I promised myself that this time, man. If I receive another fill-out things and no check, I'm calling up again. It's bullshit. I've learned my lesson. How do they expect a person to live if they've committed something where they need to serve a penalty? I don't understand our government. I have such a headache and I really should get to sleep.

Things are surprisingly shitty. Easter this year was a bust. I feel like such a drama queen, but I can't stand when people are rude and think they can get away with it. My Mother and I went to my Grandma's house for dinner and it was a great dinner. Afterwards, they both wanted to look in my Grandmother's cedar chest, where there's a bunch of old stuff from the past and what not. So I sat with them and looked, with easy interest. All of a sudden, I'm being accused that I should go away because I'm about as interested as a fart in church. First of all, I don't even know what that means and secondly, I can't stand when people say that about me and they're completely wrong. I was interested. I was so close to having Desiree pick me up but I thought you know, that would be such a scene. I hate that I have to second guess myself. I wanted to leave so bad. It felt like high school again. Me on one side of the room, while everyone else is on the other side, having fun. It was such bullshit. The ride home was just as awkward. I didn't say much of anything and then my Mom made me feel bad when she said goodbye. Whatever.

I don't understand why I can't get along with my family. My Father called me today to wish me Happy Easter... and to yell at me because I didn't take advantage of Saturday to call his business partner about doing some work. It's spring break. SPRING-BREAK. Hello.... that means a little vacation for me from school, which I'm too happy about starting up again. I just wish I could give up all together. I swear, if I don't receive a check from EDD, but I do get one of those things you have to fill out and mail back, I'm going to be so pissed. I'm so upset that my Dad had to pay my credit card bill. I'm sick of not having any money. Any money that's mine to do anything with.

I hate that Phil isn't here and I'm constantly reminded of that.

I guess I'm not like other people. I wish my Dad would see that. I can't be his perfect angel. We looked at this book of pictures from when I was a baby and I think about it now... I hate looking at pictures of myself from way, way back in the day. Life was so simple and I didn't even know it. How the fuck did I accumulate all of these bills? I don't have the money to pay for these bills. I'm sick of having these shitty days constantly. This was the worst Spring Break ever. Monday afternoon, I was dreading this night. I haven't completed my Astronomy packets, nor have I completed my Dramat Lit Mid-term. I didn't do my tap dance homework either. I hate that class. All of this hatred is due to the fact that I've run out of drugs and run out of money to pay for them. Life seems much easier sometimes and right now, it just sucks.

Yesterday was hella fun. I'll have to update later, but I made eggs today. Easter eggs to be specific. Now I'm getting ready for Desiree's party. I bought her a little cake. Yeah. I have nooo idea what the hell I'm wearing. I can't find what I was planning on wearing, so now I'll have to settle for something else. I have a bunch of pictures I want to upload on here and stuff but that will have to wait.

Awkward. I didn't like what I was wearing, I didn't like that I wasn't under any kind of influence to dance on the dance floor, in front of men and a bunch of girls that are way prettier than I am. I had a red headed slut (shot) and a cosmo and I danced on the dance floor three, I repeat, three times. To three different songs, however I found myself outside talking with the men and smoking like trains. It would have been fun if I was more drunk and stoned, but hey! It won't be the last. I was just uncomfortable with the group of people I was there with and my outfit. I wore a strapless dress with a cotton long sleeved short shirt that ties with a ribbon in the front of it and I was soooo freaking hot after the first song I danced to. I wanted to take it off so bad, but I'm silently protesting the war by not shaving my pits. HA! I wanted to take it off so bad, but I honestly wore it because I hate my arms. I really don't like looking at my arms and my Mother tells me they look proportionate to my body type, but I don't think I'm as fat as some of the girls I compare myself to. It's just my arms, man. They're freaking huge sometimes! Anyway, it was an okay time, but of course, I was the first to leave. My excuse: "I have to wake up early." which is completely the truth...

Desiree and I are having a meeting with Joe Scarna who is donating all of the equipment that we;re using for this Band Show that CODDAC is putting on. It was my idea and I was lucky to have Desiree go along with it because if it's successful, it'll bring in a shit load of money for the club. I kind of really want to go to Ashland to this Shakespeare Festival; not just for the shakespeare, but for some more good times with Des and Steve. I love them both ever so much. Anyway! Des and I are meeting him at 10:30am (that's right, in seven hours) and then we're driving to Los Angeles to pick up Desiree's cousin who has come to the desert to celebrate Desiree's turning 21 (that's why I went to the club). We're stopping and eating at Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles and I'm excited to say that I'm so happy about trying it because I've never have waffles and chicken together. It sounds weird and very 'southern', but I'm so excited. Good times!

My Dad cracked. He paid my credit card bill and some. I think he even promised to give me $100-200 in the next couple of days, which is the sweetest thing he can do. He's also offered me a job to work for him in his new company for $15 an hour. I have to input properties and their descriptions and their pictures onto his website. I'm pretty excited about this for two reasons: A. I'll be getting some dough under the table to save for the summer and B. I'll be working and trying to develop a relationship with my Dad again.. and secretly, reason 3 is that I think this is going to be pretty basic work, because I'm such a fast typer and catch on quick to these things. So yeah. The world's looking up. Phil is still looking for a job, but he's been promised the job at the fair for about $500 and his tax return from last year or something that he keeps telling me about that's supposed to be around $1000-2000. I think the Feds are releasing checks to people who didn't make a certain amount of money this year. Which reminds me that I still have to do MY taxes. I hope I don't owe anything. I hear nightmares about that kind of stuff and how does that kind of shit even happen??? How do you owe the government when he supplies so little to you, except a percentage of the money you earned from working? Whatever. It's own government... and I've decided to study it.

I started my Moon Lab project for my Astronomy class and I hope i'm doing it right. If I'm not, I hope he still takes it and grades it on effort. I have a pretty cool horizon which includes two trees and you can see the difference in where the moon is located in the southern sky from my location (my balcony) and what phase it is in. I was fortunate enough to start my lab on a full moon phase so go me! I hope Cindy starts hers. I said she could have one of the poster boards I bought because it only came in packs of 10, but it was the exact sized poster he asked for. I don't want her to fail and of course, I don't want to fail either! Screw that. I need to get all the partying out of my system by the end of this week and by Monday, I need to kick ass and get my head in the game, dammit. I also started my Dramatic Literature midterm, which is due on Tuesday. I've decided to pretend I'm a director and give the class my interpretation of a Greek classic that we've read. I've chosen to do Medea, which has become my favorite Greek tragedy (it was Oedipus Rex). Now, I just have to finish it before Monday night/Tuesday morning. That's the task.

The roof of my mouth hurts. My mother texted me today, "Hi Morgan... I'm resting." I'm mean, come on. How weird is that? She tells me that she had to see the psychiatrist the other day for an emergency and couldn't work for the day, she doesn't call me back when I leave a message and then she just texts me... to tell me... she's resting. Wow. I don't understand her sometimes. We both have the same genes though. Anyway, It's almost 4 in the morning. Wasn't I suppose to work on sleeping at a decent hour? I'm going to get about 5 hours, maybe 4 1/2 hours of sleep! However, I've been sleeping about 11-13 hours a day for the past four days. Maybe this'll wake me up and teach my ass a lesson. I'm tired, I know.